The Snuggie Sutra, Lex Friedman and Megan Morrison’s how-to guide to fleecing up your sex life, brings 3 things to mind. 1) The lingering misery of winter. 2) March Madness. 3) Yam bags.
Winter. Winter should be over on March 20, 2013’s first day of spring. But it won’t be. Snuggie weather will hang around for at least another month, which perhaps prior to The Snuggie Sutra would have been a terrible realization, but now brings to mind the proverb “When God gives you lemons…find a new god.” All hail to the great and benevolent Snuggie.
March Madness. What, by an untouchably large margin, is the most popular time of year for American males to get a vasectomy? Hint: I led the question with the answer. Yep, March Madness. Good job. I’d give you a Poundtown condom, but you won’t be needing that anymore. The vasectomy procedure requires men to take a couple of days off work. Combine that “necessity” with the predicament of many opening round games of the NCAA Tournament taking place during working hours and…you got it. ‘Tis the season for snipping. As for how The Snuggie Sutra gets some air time during these days of nonstop college basketball consumption and verboten penetration…uh…actually I’m not really sure where I was going with that. Snuggie-ing up with a lady friend on the couch and attending to her needs during commercial breaks maybe? No…that can’t be it….
Yam bags. Yesterday I heard my favorite barista–the one who makes smiley faces with devil horns out of the foam on my lattes–say this dude she went out with needs to grow a yam bag. Yam bag! Have you heard this term before? At first when she said it all I could think of was those colorful plastic mesh things that, like, kill sea turtles or whatever when we discard them with the rest of our trash into the ocean. But then I realized “yam bag” is a delightful euphemism for “nut sack”. And then I started thinking that if all this maven of the espresso machine wants is a dude with a fully-formed and intact yam bag, perhaps I could be that dude. And then I started having visions of devil-horned smiley face coffee every morning, sometimes maybe even in bed, and it was decided. So wish me luck. Today I plan to go back wearing my neon orange (i.e., yam-colored) Snuggie and, in front of the entire cafe–perhaps with a boombox blaring “Brass in Pocket” to prove I’m not just dressing, but also acting the part of a man who has grown a pair–say to her, “Good afternoon, Eleanor! I am the yam bag you’ve been looking for!” Naturally, I will have a copy of The Snuggie Sutra in my car for the post-sweeping her off her feet portion of the attack.
The Snuggie Sutra injects a beloved cultural icon with a beloved cultural practice of making everything about sex. Fleece blanket with sleeves? Warm, yeah. Cozy, yeah. But more to the point, the perfect medium for experimenting with the ancient practice of sexual contortion. This comprehensive–and illustrated–guide to Snuggie sex includes positions such as “The Warm and Snuggie” (for beginners), “The Tablecloth”, “The Sniper Team”, “The Surprise Guest”, and, whoa, take a gander at “The Cupid”. I hope Snuggies are machine washable.
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