Tactical Bacon

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I don’t really like to shoot to kill–less due to the ethics of felling a majestic beast than the fact that blood and rigor mortis make me squeamish–but I think if given the choice between taking down a deer or taking down this can of Tactical Bacon, I might pick the deer because holy Super Shorty Shotgun if I had a can of Tactical Bacon the last thing I’d want to do is deface it or compromise its magnificence in any way. Even though its porkified contents look like they are wrapped in sheets of human skin that peeled off after a bad sunburn, a perfect, 9-ounce cylinder of bacon that will last unopened for over 10 years trumps any aversion I have to being elbow deep in freshly slaughtered animal guts.

Though cans of Tactical Bacon will likely end up on most buyers’ desks or bookcases instead of their grub plates, the fully-cooked, ready-to-eat strips of marbled meat and fat can be used for camping, emergency rations kits, and distracting pit bulls and zombies on the offense.

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