3-Day All-Inclusive Zombie Survival Kit

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Sick of hearing about the Zombie Apocalypse? Me too. I’m also sick of hearing about how pretty soon my mama’s going to kick me out of her house and stop paying for my cell phone bill and all of my chips and cereal, thus forcing me to wash my own dishes and get a job that pays money. But just because we keep hearing about something to the point that we’re sick of hearing about it doesn’t render it insignificant or any less likely to happen. These threats and forebodings tend to strike right as we become desensitized and complacent. So if you still haven’t prepared yourself for undead mayhem, you might want to check out Zombie Defense Solutions’ 3-Day Survival Kit. Also, if you already have a 3-Day Survival Kit that you bought years and years ago when the first rumblings of a war between man and flesh-eating supernaturals hit the airwaves, it’s time to re-up, as its contents are guaranteed to have a usable storage life of only 5 years.

While Zombie Defense Solutions cannot account for what will happen to you on Day 4, they do promise that during Days 1 through 3 their all-inclusive kits will equip you to survive the harshest of apocalyptic conditions. Each includes 72 hours’ worth of the following, enough to sustain 1 person:

  • Water. Purified drinking water in 6, triple-layered retort pouches that each hold 4.227 fl. oz.
  • Food. A 3,600-calorie energy bar scored into 9, 400-calorie portions. Packaged to ensure balanced nutritional values.
  • Lighting. 1 box of waterproof matches and 3, 6″ lightsticks with lanyard hole and hook. Instant light at your fingertips, and each stick burns for 12 hours.
  • Warmth. The Kit’s Mylar emergency blanket is waterproof, reflective, and retains up to 90% of body heat for both warming and cooling the human it shrouds. Folds compactly, but measures 84″ x 52″ when unraveled.
  • First Aid. A basic first aid kit contains: 7 bandages; 2 gauze pads; 2 alcohol prep pads; 2 wet naps; and 1 tube of triple antibiotic ointment.
  • Tools. 1 emergency hammer that can shatter glass and has a built-in seatbelt cutter. 1 survival bracelet with built-in whistle and 10 feet of nylon cord.

Obviously the 3-Day Survival Kit would also be a practical and aesthetically nifty addition to camping gear, car trunks, in-home emergency provisions, and dates with girls who give blatant hints of severe mental instability when you meet them, but are too bonerifically hot, and have too large of a cup size, not to ask out anyway.

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